Change

Whenever I sit down to write a post the one thing that is constantly on my mind is change. Change is everywhere, and for some reason I'll never be able to get away from the awfulness that it is. I've come to learn that through big alteration, that anyone goes through in life, of course change is going to come with it and in a variety of different ways. I used to not big on changes or change in general. I never liked to be uncomfortable and I certainly didn't like being stretched to my limit because then I would feel scared, worried and start to doubt the dreaded unknown. Sounding familiar? I come from a small farming community that steers clear of change. Thinking about where I am now, and looking back to where I came from, I think that there have been so many people that have come into my hometown and tried to make it better, but have been shooed away because the thought of something unfamiliar changing the way things have always been, is not comfortable. If we don't allow change to happen, how are we to grow? to learn? to teach? to trust? Why?

So much of my life has changed since yesterday, last week, month and year. I'm not one of those people that are like, "exactly 1 year ago this happened,"...cuz lets be honest, I can hardly remember what happened an hour ago let alone a year.....I can tell you that I have learned and grown. I have made mistakes and I have made great choices, and I can tell you that through this growing and learning, I have learned to become more accepting of change. I had an interview with State Farm roughly a year ago for the job that I currently had. In my interview I remember stating that I don't handle change very well. The interviewee looked at me baffled and said, "you left your home and everything you knew, moved here with a crappy daycare job and learned to live a life with your husband. If that's not handling change very well...I dunno what is." I told them, "I had someone to hold my hand and to learn things with me." See that was when I was not confident in myself. I used to cower in the corner and walk on egg shells and hoped other people would do things for me; kind of like a wallflower if you will....and I will. I understand life happens, things happen. There are things that we cannot change whether we want it to or not or whether we like it or not. This is what I don't understand....Why would it help to complain about it when I know I have 2 choices...A. do something about it or B. there isn't anything that I can do about it and I have to learn to deal with it and make due with what I have? Honestly I don't know how many times in the past week I have heard the phrase, "but that's how it's always been done." Seriously this phrase drives me nuts. Whenever I hear it nails on a chalkboard is all I hear instead of the person saying that phrase, literally. Maybe I should make a tally for every time I hear someone say that phrase. Anyways, when we use that phrase we are limiting ourselves from gaining new experiences and opportunities. We just know that it works this one way so why change it, but maybe that change could be better in the long run and we can't see it at that moment. We want to be in control and not learn to trust that its going to be alright in the long run.

When I started to lose weight I noticed I was becoming more confident in myself. I think it was because I was doing something for me, I was meeting goals and altering my life. It taught me to be more assertive and take action for things that I have done. I started to do things that I had never done before and that excited me. It opened my world anew. While I was killing it with my self esteem, I was lacking with the other half. This is where my laziness kicks me in the butt because I'm willing to do all this stuff to make me happy and while I want to make my husband happy, I do the things to him that I would like. For example, I know he would like for me to pick up after myself, yes this is still an issue that I'm REALLY trying to work work on, instead I'll cook him his favorite dinner, or buy him this or make him cupcakes or something like that rather than doing the things he really wants. UGH. I was doing really well with my cleaning schedule and then other things started coming up and interfering with my schedule to where I just stopped altogether. UGH. Now laundry is backed up more than ever, the dishes are piling and honestly I don't remember the last time I vacuumed and I THINK the bathroom was cleaned 2 weeks ago....horrific. Lets not even mention my side of the bedroom because it's the worst that it's ever been and I'm even embarrassed to sleep. But, there has to be something to get this change going. If I can do it so easily with losing weight, surely I can be eager to do it with this. I just have to get in the right mindset. It's something that isn't fun for me but I've learned to enjoy running over time....maybe cleaning will become the next thing? HA. As for other areas in my life, my goal is to be more honest and confrontational. I'm not a confrontational person at all! I've learned at my time with State Farm, it's kind of a dog-eat-dog world and you have to stick up for yourself and the others around you; say things that are on your mind and don't be afraid to speak up when it's needed the most. This is hard for me because I've always been one to keep what I feel in and let it stew inside....this isn't good in helping anyone or anything. We'll see where this takes me...

In my last post I mentioned that instead of my goals being going to the gym and losing weight, I was going to concentrate more on my organizing life. I can tell you this....I sucked at both. Since my last post my weight basically stayed the same. I was 204 end of June until about 2 weeks ago where I was briefly 199 and then shot back up to 208. I haven't been working as hard as I would have liked. However, I have been running more and I ran my first 5k without stopping this past weekend! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! I like this running thing and I think I'm gonna keep it and I'm excited to see where my legs take me next!

In other news, Billy and I have landed full time jobs! None of this temping business anymore! I finally got hired on at State Farm Bank and will be starting on August 19 as an official State Farm employee...great things come with this like access to State Farm Park! EEEEEKKKKK...so excited!
Billy landed a job as a special ed assistant at Kingsley Jr. High. He's really excited to be in the school again and will be starting August 19 as well. While Billy and I will be embracing all of these changes, stay tuned in to find out what happens between now and the next blog post!