Goals

I've started to notice a trend. I started talking about my weight loss and how I'm doing with that and thought that I would only write about my weight loss....however I'm finding that I'm writing about things completely off the topic of weight loss. However, as I'm going through this journey of becoming a new me, all these new feelings and past memories come up that I need to deal with. Writing is a great outlet for me and I decided to kinda use my blog as my journal....I know some of this stuff should remain private and while most of it does, I really want to let it all out so I don't feel so alone in my feelings....sorry for my awkward writing and thanks for reading! :) happy/funny message to come soon!

I'm not a goal oriented person whatsoever; maybe it's due to my lack of motivation laziness, or maybe the fact that I've never really acknowledged the goals that I have "completed" thus far in my 26 years of life and quite honestly, I feel as though the goals that I've "set" thus far in life are pretty mediocre at best. Such as:.....note: it has taken me 5 minutes to think of a goal I have achieved....graduating college. I don't mean that graduating college isn't a good thing, yes it is a GREAT thing but think about it, I have wasted 5 years and lots of money to have a career in something that I didn't even major in only to make less than what a starting teacher would make and have the same salary as those who didn't even go to college....ponder that.  But I had some of the best times of my life in college. I grew and learned so much about myself. Thank you college for all the fun, creativeness that I once held dear and used in my every day life.  I guess I could acknowledge this goal by being the board updater at work....my creativeness has lead to using dry erase markers and fun fonts. Congrats.

Getting married. I wanted to get married ever since I could remember. I can remember talking with girls on summer staff at camp that I had the wedding planned out, all I needed to do was insert boy. I dreamed a long time for that to happen and honestly I thought it never would. I have only dated 2 guys in my life, one in highschool and my husband. The guy I dated in high-school, if I can be honest, was my first love. I thought the world of him. I learned a lot from him about a lot of things and always enjoyed being in his company. We broke up before he went off to college and I'll admit, I thought that was the best I could get and tried to make it happen over and over again. And if I can be honest yet again, and I'm really sorry if this offends anyone but when I found out he was gay, I was so hurt and and confused; my life was turned upside down and thought so much less of myself and told myself,"you can't love anyone because you'll turn them gay." I never in a million years thought that the man of my dreams would be a black man and the saying is so true that once you go black, you never go back.....I'm sorry, that violated so many unspoken laws.....and so many people are reading this......shut up Anndee....word vomit......Billy and I may not have it all together most of the time, but I would not trade this time in our life for all the monies in the world.  He is the ultimate acknowledgement to this goal.

Losing weight. This has been on on-going goal for as long as I can remember and if it weren't for my husband and a dear friend I would probably be the unhealthiest person ever....it hasn't been easy and it has come with many challenges but I've tried to work through them. The one thing that was hard for me was that I wanted instant results. All I can think is that stupid Jillian Michaels dvd and she constantly says to the beat of the music, "we want results overnight but they don't, come, for free." With my efforts I have become healthier and live a healthier life. I'm not so scared of getting cancer, or diabetes or any disease for that matter. I couldn't have dreamed to run a 5k without stopping or plan to go ziplining in Costa Rica in December because my weight would have hindered all of that. What I do with my life now is limitless. I'm free. This goal has been acknowledged with sore aching muscles, smelly asparagus pee, and being 40 lbs lighter.

Having a solid foundation. I don't want this goal to ever seem like it's been mediocre. It's a major one in my life that I'm probably most proud of. This goal has helped me through some hard times in my life, and has also caused plenty grief. But what I find is that it's always there to bring me back to where I need to be in that moment. There are things that I don't understand and I might never understand but what I do understand is that I have the love of a Father that is never ending and never failing. My faith and understanding has grown so much in the 2 years that I've been here in Bloomington and I can tell that it's only just the beginning. I acknowledged this goal in February when I got baptized. Such a great acknowledgement to a fulfilling goal.

Maybe the moral of this story is that I need to set smaller attainable goals so then I feel more accomplished in my life....or maybe I just need to stop feeling like my goals that have become accomplishments weren't that great, because at the time, they were the best thing and now I've kinda gotten over some of them....maybe I should take it one step at a time?