Roots

*I apologize first off that this is going to be a lengthy post* This won't come as a surprise to any of you but just to get it out there, I grew up in a small town! *GASP* It wasn't a bad experience in fact I loved it, however, there was little to no diversity in the town. We grew up learning about different cultures, but it was hard for me to imagine what those other cultures were like in my "world." I, like many others I'm sure, had various stereotypes in mind. For example I was shocked to learn that Billy didn't really like basketball. I'm sure my reaction when I found that out went a little something like this, "WHAT? HOW? Don't you know you're black?" yes I need to hang my head in shame. My "world" as I knew it to be, was starting to change when college rolled around.

During the summer before my super senior year (5th year) at UNI, I accompanied my home church youth group to CHIC (Covenant High in Christ) as a youth leader. After every main-stage session there was a benediction that the speaker said and it goes a little something like this, "And now as we go on our way may Jesus undo our watered-down, sanitized and sugar-coated faith, so that we may follow Him into a heroic life where our comfort zones are undone so that we are not afraid to become countercultural and counter comfortable. Holy Spirit, reveal a God who is bigger than all we can figure out and who loves us beyond what we can imagine.Give us the courage and the commitment to work together so that none of God’s work remains undone." I wanted my life to reflect this benediction. When I came back from the conference, I made a copy of it and hung it on my door. I said it every morning before I walked to class, and said it during my prayer throughout the day and even at night. I prayed so hard that God would break my comfort zone; that I would learn to become more countercultural and that my mind would be more open to other cultures and "worlds" around me. 

Two weeks after I came back from that conference the college kids were starting to come back and I started to notice my roommate getting more and more excited. She had been talking about this Billy guy for awhile. I had heard of him and met him a couple of times, but I really never gave him the time of day. Well, after a couple of time hanging out we later became inseperable. Call it what you want, but I truly believe that God was saying, "Well, you want it? Here you go!" I learned so much about his "world" and rightfully so, he learned about my "world." I know I asked a lot of stupid questions/dumb stereotypes (I still throw some at him) and he graciously answered. He asked questions too and we were both shocked at how open-minded the other person was. I remember asking him where his heritage was from and he told me that he didn't know. I was shocked! I was confused as to how someone could not know where they came from. In my small town that's what we are built on; good old Scandinavian/German roots. Knowing my heritage was a HUGE part of my childhood and I know my grandparents and parents instilled those beliefs so we would be proud of where we came from. This is where I wish I had been more educated in African/American History because it was the first time I had ever heard that when you were a slave, your life was basically erased. You became your masters family and maybe took the masters name. This was hard for me to swallow and still is hard for me to grasp and fully understand. I'm sure once I heard that, my face looked something like the Home Alone face.

As we started to get to know each other more I started to learn more about black history month. Now I'm going to be honest, before I met Billy, I really didn't understand black history month. I was one of those that thought, "Why don't we get a month?" hang head in shame again. He told me about his home church and what they do for black history month. At the last Sunday in February there is a black history program before the service starts, everyone is in traditional African dress, and the worship is so very soulful that it starts in your toes and gives you goosebumps as it makes its way up your body. It's my absolute favorite, favorite part of the year in fact we try to make it every year and hopefully will continue to go with our children so that they understand a big part of who they are.

In light of black history month, my work is hosting a soul food day. When the announcement came out I was thinking, "mmmmmmmmm food to make us sluggish the rest of the day!" Not 2 seconds after that thought, did a friend of mine tell me what I was not to bring. "Anndee, are you gonna bring that snicker salad of yours?" Now let me tell you a little back story, the first Thanksgiving I shared with Billy's family I volunteered to bring something, because being in my farming community whenever someone hosted a dinner, you brought something, and I wanted to show my now mother-in-law that I can help. I thought a snicker salad would be a good choice. (Those of you who know snicker salad know that it's a classic staple at most potlucks and family holidays as well as all around good dish) I thought I couldn't go wrong. My husband reassured me that everyone would at least try it and told me that they would like it. Needless to say it did not go well. I give them mad props for trying it, however, it's still an inside joke to this day and has even circulated around the workplace. Whenever I tell this story to black people I get the same reaction. A nasty glare, otherwise known as stank face. I later found out that you DO NOT bring a dish that no one knows to a Thanksgiving or Christmas meal. You already have an understanding of what the meal is going to be and to add something new to that pallet is just wrong. SO back to soul food day. To be honest, I don't know how to cook soul food. I thought it would be easier to drive up to Gary, have his mom make me something and then drive back and bring it in. I told that to her and my sister-in-law and they both laughed at me and tried to think of the easiest thing I could make. Bless their hearts I love them both! So it was decided that I can bring Red Beans and Rice....we'll see how that turns out..

Because it's nearing the end of black history month and since we couldn't make it up to his parents church this past weekend I decided that we could have our own little black history month celebration. So we planned on watching a movie of his, painting while listening to African tribal music or some of Billy's music and me making some greens. It was my first attempt at making greens and they were good. We ended up not doing the other things, but ended up calling his family which turned out to be an even better plan than what we had in mind. I'm so thankful that there is a big part of my husbands world that I'm still so intently learning about and finding things to teach our children and in various ways. HA, in fact the other day while I was at work, I created a whole black history month art unit that I hope to incorporate in my classroom, and in my house someday. 

I feel good na na na na na na na!

I'm excited to report that I have now officially lost 10 lbs and it feels so good! My friend Sydney and I (we are both on this weight loss thing) went shopping at the mall tonight and just for the heck of it, went into DEB and tried on prom dresses! It was so much fun and it made me feel better about myself, because we were both trying on things that we normally wouldn't try on. I know 10 lbs doesn't seem like much, but my pants are already baggy. It's such a good feeling.

I've noticed that I need to give myself weekly goals. I need to get into the habit of giving myself something to work towards during the week. I've already got the actual going to the gym thing down, and since I didn't work out tonight, I feel awful! So this morning my husband and I weigh ourselves and I said to him, "Okay my goal is going to be 220 by Sunday!" We both looked at each other, looked at the scale, looked back at each other and said, "NAH!" In order for me to be 220, I would have to lose 6 lbs in 5 days.......insane.......not healthy? We both agreed I could make it happen if I pushed myself I could do it.....we'll see. I'll push myself but I don't think I'll be able to lose 6 lbs.

I really enjoy the foods/recipes I've been trying. I came across an alternative to Alfredo sauce (it's one of my weaknesses) by using avocado! How awesome is that? I've been doing a lot of roasted/baked veggies and eating less carbs (another weakness) Remember in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I was giving up Diet Coke? Well I can say with confidence I haven't had a Diet Coke since that post, until tonight. I had one when we went out dinner and I only drank 1 glass. It was way to sweet. Didn't even like it. I'm so very proud of myself!

This whole experience thus far has been amazing. I truly enjoy the healthy life! I feel so much better about myself, I'm starting to get a bump on my lower back (aka a butt.....this excites me...I've wanted pants to fit for so long, and not have sagging fabric where a butt should be, and I think it's about to happen!) I'm actually starting to see that I have a torso. Things are looking up and it's exciting. I don't ever want to go back to what I was, and to think I was content with that! I'm moving forward and not looking back

L.O.V....E?

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very, extraordinary
Love was.........

One morning my husband and I were getting ready for work and he starts singing this song.....I started to laugh because he left out the E line. I think he thought that the E was was extraordinary which makes sense now that I'm seeing it written out. After I sang the E line we both had a chuckle and went on our way to work.

Speaking of LOVE, Valentines Day is just around the corner. I've never really been a huge fan of Valentines Day, simply because I don't want my husband to think that just because it's Valentines Day he has to get me something. I think it goes back to when we were dating I told him that I hated it for the reasons that I don't like big cheesy stuffed animals, and I hate roses and I don't want chocolate when I can get that any day of the week. I also mentioned that I think men feel like since it's valentines day they have to get something and it might not be well thought out. I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but I LOVE a gift that's from the heart, not, "Oh it's Valentines Day, I have to get something!" Nope, not for this one. So back to our conversation, I told him to not to get me anything since he's not that big into holidays, he could care less if he got anything or not.

On our first Valentines Day as a married couple we had agreed to not get each other anything and just have a nice meal at home with candles, sparkling grape juice and a selection of Marvin Gaye and Al Green. It was wonderful! I made him a little card because, well, I'm an over achiever and love to do things for him. The conversation afterwards turned into a discussion on holidays and birthdays and gifts because I was sad that I didn't get anything. Now mind you he already warned me that this would happen and I, being the mature adult that I am, refused to listen to what he had to say. It turned out that I did like gifts and wished that he had gotten me something.

I for one am still thinking about what love looks like. To me it's telling me that you love me, being chivalrous and giving me words of affirmation and so forth. Billy is the COMPLETE opposite from me. His would be me spending time with him, listening FULLY to what he has to say, and picking up after myself every once in a blue moon and helping to keep the apartment clean so that we don't have to have a giant clean up day or play 10 second tidy before friends come over! We have discovered over the course of our new marriage that we show each other the way that we want to be loved, not how the other person wants to be loved.

Due to an evening of unfortunate events a couple of weeks ago we had an argument about how we love each other. After awhile of not talking, we met up for lunch and Billy handed me this*: Mind you, when you live with a teacher, you are bound to get an assignment.
"As you know, you and I best receive love in different ways. On top of that, the way that we each express love shows that we have differing ideas about what love actually is. The way that you often tell me you love me immediately after, AND SOMETIMES EVEN WHILE you do things you know I dislike regardless of how I feel, shows that you think love is more closely related to how you FEEL about me than how you treat me. You're not alone, in this miscommunication I"m careful to always consider your feelings and well-being before I act, but I often fail to verbally express love to you.
Your assignment is designed simply to create a more fulfilling love experience. Starting today and until June 18, I do not want to hear or read the words "I love you," " I'm sorry," or anything that uses words or material gifts (bought or made) to express how much you value me or my feelings. Every time you feel the need to express love, do it through an action. If you're sorry, stop doing what you did, and make it up to me if you feel the need. I'm not calling for a superwife. I'm not asking you to constantly cook and clean and slave. These things are, welcome sometimes, but if you're using them as a crutch or doing them begrudgingly, I don't want it. Simplicity is sufficient. Don't think of it as punishment. Think of it as a fast. You may need to really use your head and be creative to stick with it until the end."

I decided to accept this challenge and created one for him too! I asked him to tell me that he loves me more, and to be more chivalrous. I also suggested that maybe we cook dinner together and do dishes together as well as clean together. I can't say that I have done well so far. It's so hard to not say I love you or to say sorry after I have done something stupid. I'm still trying, learning and growing. He has told me multiple times what he wants, I, on the other hand, know that I'm being selfish and not taking into consideration how he will feel after I do something or think just assume what I think will be great. It's taken a lot of listening and really looking into the other one and seeing what they do. Some of you may already be doing this but I'm one that tends to forget a lot.

I challenge you this Valentines Day to give something more than material items, give yourself and something that the other person loves, not what you think they will like. Maybe it's emptying the dishwasher or learning to play one of his video games. Maybe it's giving her a break from the kids or him a break from work. Maybe it's watching the other ones favorite movie, or do something you both like to do that you haven't had the chance to do in awhile. Whatever it is, do it and my hope is that it'll continue throughout the year and not just on holidays or birthday and not because you have to but because you LOV to!

*Billy gave me the okay to write this*

Slow and Steady

I have been doing this weight loss thing for almost a month and I can proudly say that I have lost 6 lbs and going strong! I've talked with lots of other people about weight loss and everyone seems to say the same thing, Slow and Steady. A lot of changes, for the better, have happened like I mentioned before. I don't feel hungry all the time, my sugar intake is a lot less, my joints don't ache as much, as well as my back...I'm hoping that with this weight loss that the pain in my back will go away for good! We'll see about that. Also I'm proud to announce that my Diet Coke intake is only 1 can a week! For those of you that know me real well, I bleed Diet Coke. I would have 2-3 cans a day! Now, I can taste the sugar and it's almost too much for me. I did have one today because I was soo tired during work. If anyone has any suggestions for different natural wake up foods or something, that would be great! I don't really want to do coffee, if at all possible and I do drink a lot of tea....The start of the less Diet Coke actually started when my husband read an article about how bad aspartame is and asked me kindly to stop. I'm trying simply because I think he would like me to stick around awhile longer and I love him, so I think that's a good enough reason! :)

Like I said before I'm a person that wants to see instant results, but the big thing is that I feel better and am getting healthier! Yay for healthy life!

Today's stats:

starting weight :234

today's weight: 228.6

This is a good feeling! :)

Passion

My passion in life is teaching. I have never wanted to do anything more than to teach kids what I love to do. What a wonderful and exciting thing to do with your life? I can think of nothing better....other than being married to the most wonderful man in the world of course!

I currently am working at State Farm Headquarters here in Bloomington. I work in the Bank Operations Center doing a lot of randomness. I never thought I would work in the corporate world. It's very different than the creative world where I'm from, but it's growing on me. I don't mind the work, and I work with some awesome people, others, not so awesome. But you'll have that in any work environment that you are in. My husband and I are convinced that we will land teaching jobs this summer. We have had the worst luck trying to find teaching jobs and the sad thing is when we have conversations about our jobs to our friends, most of them, though they don't come out and directly say it, feel as though we aren't trying.

When we moved out here we did everything that we needed to do to get an Illinois teaching license. Billy filled out all the paperwork to sub in the area and even in a 50 mile radius of the Bloomington/Normal area. He never got called. In fact, he even got his physical, TB test, other tests and paperwork were taken and even lots of money was forked out for applications and other things in order for us to teach. He was never contacted and even told that his information was lost on several accounts. I applied for every single art teaching job I could find. I was either never called or had an interview and told I was top on list but my stuttering turned them away.

I don't know how many older women where I work tell me that, "If you have a college degree you can work anywhere!" I tell them the same thing every time. "Bullshit." I don't come out and say it like that but you get the idea. Even though I have a degree I can't work anywhere. I have been turned away from most food places because I am more than qualified. I was looking to get a second job and applied to other places and was turned away because they wanted college students. I can't apply to work at a desk job, because I don't have the work experience. SO while I have a degree, it serves me no good unless I either A: find a teaching job or B: get hired on as a State Farm employee where I currently work, which isn't looking on the brightside due to restructuring. Oh yeah by the way, did I mention I was a temp?

I love seeing the jobs that my colleagues are doing with their art rooms. I love seeing all the creative things that they are doing and I'm living vicariously through them. (thank you Michelle, Natalie, Kati, Stephanie and Lauren. I'm constantly looking at what you guys are doing and smiling from ear to ear because this is what the art room is supposed to look like! keep up the great work!) But then again, when I see what they are doing it makes me sad that I'm not doing what I love. It's nice that I'm able to train people at work because then I have some sense of teaching and it's better than not teaching at all....but I miss the creativity and the laughing of children. I miss hearing the funny things that they have to say and see how their imaginations unfold. I miss hearing them say how awesome you are and they are so glad to have you as a teacher. and this may seem crazy, but I miss writing lesson plans. I miss having an excuse to read children's books every day.  One day I hope to have this. and until that day comes I will continue to bust my butt and write resume after resume and keep applying. Sometimes I wish that passion was enough.

A good friend of mine mentioned to me that I should start an after school program here in the area that concentrates on the creative arts. I would have art classes as well as music classes and maybe even some drama. Before that, we considered opening a charter school here that was devoted strictly to performing arts. It would have drama classes, music, art, etc. These thoughts haven't left my mind. I"m strongly considering these possibilities, but I have no clue how to start any of them. This could be my thing, my outlet. I guess if I can't get hired anywhere to teach, why not start my own? HA. We'll so how far this idea goes. In the meantime I'll continue to look and research. We'll see what happens.

I have been doing this weight loss for over a week now and I can tell you that I have lost 4 pounds so far. I need to keep this up! As far as changes go I can feel a change in myself. I can now run without my knees giving out. When I walk up stairs, my knees don't crack, and I feel like I have more energy!

I've haven't been keeping up with the blog as well as I thought that I would, but this week has been really hectic. I've been training people at work and so I have been typing aids for them, and doing so many other things. So even though I haven't been keeping up on the blog, I have been keeping with eating right and working out. So this week I'm going to work harder at keeping up with the blog. Even if I dont' have much to write about my weight, I'll find some interesting story or something to talk about.