lacking motivational lazy habits

I was walking in to work today and I was standing behind a lady who was walking up the escalator very, very slowly. Now my thought is if you want to go that slow, you might as well just take the elevator because the elevator actually beat me up to the 4th floor today! It usually takes about an hour to wait for it and then of course it has to stop on every floor because people think it's easier to wait for the elevator to take them up 1 floor, instead of taking the stairs. UGH biggest pet peeve! When I see moving stairs, that makes me think you'll move faster....obviously not in this ladies case........That story had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what I wanted to write about but thought I would share because it literally drove me nuts all day. Ugh, one day I'll write a book on proper elevator/escalator etiquette so then all the world will know my frustrations.

I've been thinking ever since I posted my last blog about my weight history, I never really talked about my habits and my lifestyles. Granted I'm sure most of you know how I am if you lived with me, are gresat friends etc. But I think that this plays an important role in my weight gain and my whole story, whether I want to believe it, or not!

For the most part I have come to believe that I was a lazy child, but at the time, if you called me lazy I would argue with you until I was blue in face. See now that I write lazy I don't know if I would call it that, or really lacked motivation. I was active when I wanted to be, but when it was for something, "productive" like housework/chores or school work, I was lazy  lacked motivation. When it was time for me to clean my room, I would try and think of ways for my brother and sister to do it, but since I was the youngest I ALWAYS failed. I loved the times when mom would come up and would "help" me clean, but that also meant that I got to re-arrange my room. However, the cleaning would take up most of the day and it never would really get finished, because lets be honest, I lacked motivation  was lazy! But honestly I don't remember really ever, fully cleaning my own room and of course I never just did it on my own. I wanted to do other things, like watch t.v., go outside, or play. I got spanked a couple of times because it was messy, but it just stopped after awhile...probably because it was still a mess and they realized grounding/spanking me wasn't doing anything. I was the kid that hated snow days, summer vacation, weekends, or any long period away from school because this meant 1 of 3 things.  1. helping dad outside with pig chores i.e scooping poop, snow, giving vaccines, clipping tails all that nastiness. 2. doing house work that mom put off until a "rainyday" and 3. cleaning everything/my room. When we got done doing said 1 of 3 things, I would sit down and watch T.V. until dad came in from the outside. Now when you heard that door slam you knew you had exactly 10 minutes to turn the T.V. off and make a mad dash off the couch either upstairs, or find something to make it look like you are doing something. Nothing bothered dad more than me sitting on my butt watching T.V. Probably because to him I looked like I was being lazy.

In school I was that kid that was the over-achiever.  I would try and go above and beyond all homework assignments, projects you name it, but once it got too difficult, that's where my mother stepped in. See my brother and my sister claimed that mom did everything for me. While I agree to some extent, I still argue that I did make that gingerbread house my 3rd grade year. I loved school, hated math (still do) and thought that I didn't do too bad. I remember when I told my parents that I wanted to be in 4-H. Every year there was the dreaded record book. HATED MORE THAN EVER! I don't think I ever answered them myself. I asked my mom each question and she told me what to write. It was the same thing with sermon notes for confirmation...like heck I was actually going to pay attention to some boring sermons...I wanted to doodle. So I would ask my mom the questions and she would tell me what to say. Man I remember my mother still washed my hair when I was in 4th grade! I was never taught how until I went away to camp for a week in the summer when I was in 5th grade. (All the years before, I didn't wash my hair.....) sometimes I feel like there were lots of things that I see kids do now, or even saw my friends do, that I was never taught, and maybe I was but I don't remember.

When I went off to college is when I really learned how to be on my own. Even then I still leaned on others to do things for me. I was a follower and still am to some extent. I was still a mess and never really cleaned up after myself. When I lived in an apt with Casey and Kelsey, Casey was like the mom I never had. No joke, she made me clean up my room all the time, make my bed and do dishes. And then I transferred to a different college and I was still a mess. I didn't make a lot of mess in public areas like the living room or kitchen, but my room was always a mess. I remember when Morgan lived with me, she would even help me clean every once in awhile. Some of you may be wondering about my laundry, yeah I can go like a month or 2 with washing clothes. (still can.) When it came to homework and projects I would do just fine, but when something came up that was harder, I would procrastinate to the deepest depths of procrastination, and then I would hand in the assignment or project and totally hate what I did because I didn't have my mother there to do it  ran out of time. Most of my art projects in college are sub par because I waited until the last second to do them and I couldn't do it on my own.

When Billy and I first started talking about getting married, I thought that once I got married I would start to be more clean and start getting more motivated to do things other than sit on my butt. However, I learned that was not the case. While I have gotten a little better at cleaning up, it still isn't where my OCD husband would like it to be. That's why I married him right? opposites always attract.....My husband is very gracious about me not picking up after myself, but I know it would show him I loved him more if I did pick up all the time and not have him trip over my shoes when he walks in the door. (even though his shoes are there too...I just have more...) Also, I have always been a person to start something and never finish. Coloring was horrible for me. I would love to start, but then I would get bored and never finish. I have a whole bunch of started projects and paintings and this and that but never follow through and finish them. side note. I'm sitting on our couch typing and my husband leans over and says "you're even keeping up with your blog! The old Anndee would have done 2 posts and never look back." I can always find other things that I would rather be doing, mainly watching hulu, or cooking/baking. I think about cleaning all the time but always get tied up doing something on the computer or going somewhere. When I first started exercising I would have to choose between exercising and cleaning when I got home from work because I didnt' know how to manage my time better when I got home to do all those things. I'm not really a multitasker.....if I'm watching T.V please don't tell me something important because I'm probably not going to remember what you are saying.

Not only am I sticking with the exercise and losing weight, I think I need to shift my goals a little bit. I'm going to concentrate more on managing my time, picking up after myself and starting to become an adult, I guess you could say. I have told my co-workers that if I had a kid right now I don't know what I would do! I get up half hour before I need/leave for work, I don't really cook supper when I get home, and I'm not that good at keeping the house clean. Sticking with the weight loss has taught me that I can stick with something and hopefully finish. I have have fluctuated a lot, but I'm still working on meeting that goal of being 165, and then once I hit that, maybe going smaller or even trying to maintain that. I'll of course keep you posted on how my new goals turn out!

"When will my reflection show, who I am, inside."

It has taken me over a week to write this post. Not because I didn't have the time to write it, but because I really wanted to think through my words and really reflect on my past experiences. I wanted to take some time to write about my my life before I started the fight of unzipping this fat suit. I'm one of those people who wish my life was like a Disney movie or Full House where I always wanted those moments were you sit on your bed after you had done something wrong and the horrible music plays and Danny Tanner comes in and gives me a heart to heart, but for some reason I remember on The Biggest Loser, they talk about their life before they came on the biggest loser. So I feel like it's that time that I need to do some reflection, if you will. (and this is where Janelle Collins goes, "and I will!")

I haven't always been in the "fat life." In fact up until 3rd grade I was super skinny and loved to run and play sports. For some reason, and I used to say because I fell in love with ice cream, in 3rd grade I became large for my grade. I was very awkward...I mean everyone has their awkward year or their years....not me. I had awkward 3rd-10th grade life! My mother always told me that I needed to wear big clothes to cover my belly and my legs, and looking back in pictures I think that by abiding by those "rules" made me look even larger! I remember in particular this one picture of a trip to South Dakota. We are at a go-cart track and Morgan and I are standing with our arms around each other. I'm wearing a winnie the pooh hat, an XXL Ernie with his rubber duckie shirt, shorts that hit mid thigh, white tube socks and nike sandals....yup.....awkward. But then you take a look a Morgan and she's wearing a cute fitted shirt with short shorts and sandals....yup. Embarrassing on my end!

Every year, my wardrobe got worse and worse, but that was due to the fact that I was getting bigger and bigger. And every summer was the same thing, this is the year that I'm going to lose weight so I can wear what other girls in my class are wearing. It wasn't like I was sitting on my butt all summer long, I loved softball more than anything, I rode my bike up and down our road, and I took plenty of walks and even played outside, I have my mothers athletic gene, but I just stayed the same size for the most part. I don't remember ever getting made fun of at school for my weight, which if anyone did they must have done a good job of keeping it within their clique, and as far as my circle of friends no one told me that I needed to loose weight, or everyone told me that "God loves you no matter what." My best friend in high school and I were the same size and so we would share clothes and shoes all the time, for at least 3 years and in college, so to me the thought of losing weight was on the back burner because I love wearing Erin's clothes so why should I change? (Sorry Erin :) I know how much she hated when I stretched out her shoes! haha) I do remember more-so my parents telling me that I was overweight and that I needed to take control of it. I remember my senior year I quit volleyball and my dad told me that I needed to do something to keep me active during the fall months so I wasn't sitting at home...so my only option was cheerleading...you from bigger schools are probably wondering why cheerleading was my only option? Well we didn't have any other sport during that time that I could have even considered! Yay for small schools and small cheerleading skirts! I was so self conscience about how I looked, that I made my mother make my skirt longer so that it wasn't so short.

My senior year was also the year that my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I spent the majority of second semester living by myself, going to different friends houses for supper or people bringing over food. It was a great to be in a loving community where everyone took me in and it was also my busy semester since I was a band nerd, vocal nerd and speech geek that I was constantly busy. All through highschool, I maintained a size 16 pant/dress. When I went off to college I gained a little weight, but did a good job of keeping active during the summer working at TLCC. Over the course of my college time before my other died, I became depressed and lost control of myself. I was constantly stressed worrying about school and mom. At my mother's funeral was the smallest I remember being and that was a size 12 pant and my roommates size medium shirt and then it all went downhill from there. I'm pretty sure losing all that weight was the cause of me being stressed, and worrying constantly. I ate all the time but then again I would eat and work at weird hours and sometimes spent nights in the art building just to get stuff done/get away from people. I didn't know how to cope and didn't feel like anyone wanted to talk about it or know how to even relate to what I was going through.

Once I started hanging out with Billy and we started dating was when I started slowly gaining the weight back until 2-3 years later when we got married and started life here in Illinois. I've always had visions of what life was going to be like when I was a wife. I would be that perfect 1950's wife. I would make EVERYTHING and keep up a perfect apartment/house. HA! I thought that when I got married that my previous lifestyles would go away. i.e. I wouldn't be disorganized and lazy. I did achieve my dreams for the first couple weeks, maybe a month and then we ended up going out to eat every meal and we both became very overweight. My husband was so discouraged every time he looked at our wedding photos that he decided he was going to lose weight. He offered to have me join him but I didn't want to put the work in. Like I said before, I'm not one to really follow through with things. I'll do it strong for a week or 2 and then stop, or I'll forget something and then it's history. Billy lost a significant amount of weight, almost half of his regular self. I was so proud, but hated the fact that I was now fatter than my husband. In high school I had a boyfriend who was skinnier than me and I hated it. I always felt that a man should be bigger than his wife/significant other. I"m not saying that they have to be fat but maybe muscular and the woman should be leaner...I've dug myself in a hole I feel with that comment.....and maybe there was always a bit of comparison to other people I surrounded myself with. "Oh this person is about the same size I am so I'm okay. I don't need to do that."

We got together with some good friends of ours over christmas in Chicago. It was their first time in Chicago and we loved showing them downtown and all the fun things to do! We took a lot of pictures with them and looking on FaceBook at them I was just disgusted with how I looked. I remember trying to pack for that trip and only have 1 pair of jeans that really fit and they were a size 20 and getting too small. being a little ADD here, I've also had a fear in my mind about getting all sorts of cancers and other health complications because I am overweight and my mother got cancer (and the one that ate the most healthy out of our family) Every time I have a pain in my stomach or side I automatically think it's cancer or I'm getting mom's allergies. Getting back on track, Around that time and maybe a little after I decided that I was going to get baptized. I figured I put it off for far too long (I figured that since I was baptized as an infant, I was already baptized and didn't need to be) and decided I'm going to take that next step and see where/how God will use me. That's when my husband and I decided that this will be our year; a time filled with life changing events and habits. When I first started I wanted to see results right away. If I didn't lose a pound or two I would be so pissed, but now I'm glad that I'm going slow and taking my time, I don't want to rush things and it's giving me time to find other ways to lose the weight than just doing the elliptical, or lifting weights.

I feel like I've taken this weight loss to another level. When I started I was just counting calories and eating whatever I wanted. Now it's all about what kinds of foods and learning what foods give you more energy and eating more organic and less processed and really starting to change the lifestyle, example, I started using ground turkey awhile ago but still used ground beef to some extent. I completely cut off ground beef in our house when we started in January. I ate a patty melt yesterday for lunch (don't ask my why it just sounded really, really good.) Now if I were making this sandwich at home I would have used ground turkey, weight watchers cheese, whole wheat bread and onion. However, since I was at work I completely forgot and I had ground beef. It tasted so different to me, (don't get me wrong it was still an outstanding burger) but I'm just so used to ground turkey. Anyways, I'm really proud of my progress and to be honest I don't think I could have gotten this far without the support of my husband, first and foremost, and the awesome support and prayers from all of you wherever you are! I greatly appreciate all the notes and wonderful comments you leave, please keep it up and I encourage you to get out there and make this your year! Even if you aren't over weight, to just be active and strive to be healthy for yourself and for your family.!

For Good

So I've noticed that I'm bad with motivation and sticking with something for long enough....like writing on this blog.....however, losing weight is probably one of the few things in my life that I have actually stuck with and, HA I never in a million years thought I would say this but, ENJOY! I know people say it's about changing a lifestyle and they could never be more right!

So here's where I need to catch you guys up to speed with what I've been doing, OMG this is so exciting and I can't wait to tell you all....you know there should be a way for me to see your faces! That would be even better...okay Anndee, focus! I'm down to 218! My goal was to be 215 by the end of March, but Easter happened... I was very bad at weighing myself before I got married (I knew I was fat but didn't want to admit it ) but with the way that I'm feeling and with the clothes I can fit into, I'm pretty sure that I weigh about the same as when we got married. I'll take it for now, but just you wait summer....my husband and I are determined to go running this summer on the trails; I'll be in a sports bra and shorts and he won't have on his shirt...yup....that's it folks!

Along with the dream, I've actually joined a running group! Most of you that know me really well know that I DON'T RUN! It's actually kind of interesting, my mother was an amazing track star/athlete in high school. My mother always told me that I was built like her and had her athletic genes but I just didn't know what to do with them. Back to the running group, we run every Monday and you run as far as you want, they have 3, 4 and 5 mile marks that you run and you just go! I instead did running for 3 mins and walking for 1 minute for 30 minutes...I was told my average pace was 12. I was pretty proud of myself for my first time really running. I think if I keep up with it, I'll be able to actually run without walking!

I mentioned before that my lifestyle has changed. Since I've been sticking with working out and not really flaking on it, I've noticed that I haven't been so flakey in other areas of my life, like cleaning....I'm one of the most messiest people on the face of the earth, I swear! But I've noticed that with working out, eating non processed foods, and drinking lots of water, I have more energy than I had before so I can do more things when I get home...granted there are days where I feel like doing nothing when I get home, but I know that if I don't do it, it's not going to get done.

I can't be more excited with this decision that I've made to change a lifestyle that it has been done for good! No going back! and that feels really, really, good!