"When will my reflection show, who I am, inside."

It has taken me over a week to write this post. Not because I didn't have the time to write it, but because I really wanted to think through my words and really reflect on my past experiences. I wanted to take some time to write about my my life before I started the fight of unzipping this fat suit. I'm one of those people who wish my life was like a Disney movie or Full House where I always wanted those moments were you sit on your bed after you had done something wrong and the horrible music plays and Danny Tanner comes in and gives me a heart to heart, but for some reason I remember on The Biggest Loser, they talk about their life before they came on the biggest loser. So I feel like it's that time that I need to do some reflection, if you will. (and this is where Janelle Collins goes, "and I will!")

I haven't always been in the "fat life." In fact up until 3rd grade I was super skinny and loved to run and play sports. For some reason, and I used to say because I fell in love with ice cream, in 3rd grade I became large for my grade. I was very awkward...I mean everyone has their awkward year or their years....not me. I had awkward 3rd-10th grade life! My mother always told me that I needed to wear big clothes to cover my belly and my legs, and looking back in pictures I think that by abiding by those "rules" made me look even larger! I remember in particular this one picture of a trip to South Dakota. We are at a go-cart track and Morgan and I are standing with our arms around each other. I'm wearing a winnie the pooh hat, an XXL Ernie with his rubber duckie shirt, shorts that hit mid thigh, white tube socks and nike sandals....yup.....awkward. But then you take a look a Morgan and she's wearing a cute fitted shirt with short shorts and sandals....yup. Embarrassing on my end!

Every year, my wardrobe got worse and worse, but that was due to the fact that I was getting bigger and bigger. And every summer was the same thing, this is the year that I'm going to lose weight so I can wear what other girls in my class are wearing. It wasn't like I was sitting on my butt all summer long, I loved softball more than anything, I rode my bike up and down our road, and I took plenty of walks and even played outside, I have my mothers athletic gene, but I just stayed the same size for the most part. I don't remember ever getting made fun of at school for my weight, which if anyone did they must have done a good job of keeping it within their clique, and as far as my circle of friends no one told me that I needed to loose weight, or everyone told me that "God loves you no matter what." My best friend in high school and I were the same size and so we would share clothes and shoes all the time, for at least 3 years and in college, so to me the thought of losing weight was on the back burner because I love wearing Erin's clothes so why should I change? (Sorry Erin :) I know how much she hated when I stretched out her shoes! haha) I do remember more-so my parents telling me that I was overweight and that I needed to take control of it. I remember my senior year I quit volleyball and my dad told me that I needed to do something to keep me active during the fall months so I wasn't sitting at home...so my only option was cheerleading...you from bigger schools are probably wondering why cheerleading was my only option? Well we didn't have any other sport during that time that I could have even considered! Yay for small schools and small cheerleading skirts! I was so self conscience about how I looked, that I made my mother make my skirt longer so that it wasn't so short.

My senior year was also the year that my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I spent the majority of second semester living by myself, going to different friends houses for supper or people bringing over food. It was a great to be in a loving community where everyone took me in and it was also my busy semester since I was a band nerd, vocal nerd and speech geek that I was constantly busy. All through highschool, I maintained a size 16 pant/dress. When I went off to college I gained a little weight, but did a good job of keeping active during the summer working at TLCC. Over the course of my college time before my other died, I became depressed and lost control of myself. I was constantly stressed worrying about school and mom. At my mother's funeral was the smallest I remember being and that was a size 12 pant and my roommates size medium shirt and then it all went downhill from there. I'm pretty sure losing all that weight was the cause of me being stressed, and worrying constantly. I ate all the time but then again I would eat and work at weird hours and sometimes spent nights in the art building just to get stuff done/get away from people. I didn't know how to cope and didn't feel like anyone wanted to talk about it or know how to even relate to what I was going through.

Once I started hanging out with Billy and we started dating was when I started slowly gaining the weight back until 2-3 years later when we got married and started life here in Illinois. I've always had visions of what life was going to be like when I was a wife. I would be that perfect 1950's wife. I would make EVERYTHING and keep up a perfect apartment/house. HA! I thought that when I got married that my previous lifestyles would go away. i.e. I wouldn't be disorganized and lazy. I did achieve my dreams for the first couple weeks, maybe a month and then we ended up going out to eat every meal and we both became very overweight. My husband was so discouraged every time he looked at our wedding photos that he decided he was going to lose weight. He offered to have me join him but I didn't want to put the work in. Like I said before, I'm not one to really follow through with things. I'll do it strong for a week or 2 and then stop, or I'll forget something and then it's history. Billy lost a significant amount of weight, almost half of his regular self. I was so proud, but hated the fact that I was now fatter than my husband. In high school I had a boyfriend who was skinnier than me and I hated it. I always felt that a man should be bigger than his wife/significant other. I"m not saying that they have to be fat but maybe muscular and the woman should be leaner...I've dug myself in a hole I feel with that comment.....and maybe there was always a bit of comparison to other people I surrounded myself with. "Oh this person is about the same size I am so I'm okay. I don't need to do that."

We got together with some good friends of ours over christmas in Chicago. It was their first time in Chicago and we loved showing them downtown and all the fun things to do! We took a lot of pictures with them and looking on FaceBook at them I was just disgusted with how I looked. I remember trying to pack for that trip and only have 1 pair of jeans that really fit and they were a size 20 and getting too small. being a little ADD here, I've also had a fear in my mind about getting all sorts of cancers and other health complications because I am overweight and my mother got cancer (and the one that ate the most healthy out of our family) Every time I have a pain in my stomach or side I automatically think it's cancer or I'm getting mom's allergies. Getting back on track, Around that time and maybe a little after I decided that I was going to get baptized. I figured I put it off for far too long (I figured that since I was baptized as an infant, I was already baptized and didn't need to be) and decided I'm going to take that next step and see where/how God will use me. That's when my husband and I decided that this will be our year; a time filled with life changing events and habits. When I first started I wanted to see results right away. If I didn't lose a pound or two I would be so pissed, but now I'm glad that I'm going slow and taking my time, I don't want to rush things and it's giving me time to find other ways to lose the weight than just doing the elliptical, or lifting weights.

I feel like I've taken this weight loss to another level. When I started I was just counting calories and eating whatever I wanted. Now it's all about what kinds of foods and learning what foods give you more energy and eating more organic and less processed and really starting to change the lifestyle, example, I started using ground turkey awhile ago but still used ground beef to some extent. I completely cut off ground beef in our house when we started in January. I ate a patty melt yesterday for lunch (don't ask my why it just sounded really, really good.) Now if I were making this sandwich at home I would have used ground turkey, weight watchers cheese, whole wheat bread and onion. However, since I was at work I completely forgot and I had ground beef. It tasted so different to me, (don't get me wrong it was still an outstanding burger) but I'm just so used to ground turkey. Anyways, I'm really proud of my progress and to be honest I don't think I could have gotten this far without the support of my husband, first and foremost, and the awesome support and prayers from all of you wherever you are! I greatly appreciate all the notes and wonderful comments you leave, please keep it up and I encourage you to get out there and make this your year! Even if you aren't over weight, to just be active and strive to be healthy for yourself and for your family.!